I'm feeling okay today:).. from hearing all that I've heard, I'm full of regrets but I can't really undo it all.
It hurts to feel this stupid. I denied so many things to myself even though I knew they were still true just to make myself feel okay. I think the more I hear of it, the better off I am. Sure, I've had 2 meltdowns in the past two days.. but I feel okay somehow. I'm embarrased of my stupidity but there's nothing to go back on anymore. I can't say I'm not hurt, for I am but not for the same reasons I thought. I guess I wish I could have been good enough? but I am what I am.. shit does that sound cool!
Steph came over.. then billy..then taylor. and I did have fun. I smiled.. and I meant to.. without regretting it. I'm hoping I can stay positive... it's hard to see her.. I try hard to say what he thinks can't matter but it hurts just to know how much better she is than me. I've felt that way the whole time anyways... it's still hard knowing I did everything I could to make him happy.. but it was useless because I'm not her. I just wish I knew earlier.. and I knew that I really didn't mean anything.. and my fears really were right.